Funny English

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, “Alright guys we’re here!” The first drunk tips him £10 and gets out. The second drunk tips him […]

A very strict officer was talking to some new soldiers whom he had to train. He had never seen them before, so he began: “My name is Stone, and I’m even harder than stone, so do what I tell you or there’ll be trouble. Don’t try any tricks with me, and then we’ll get on […]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying. “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up!”. After a few seconds, Little Johnny stoop up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?” “No, ma’am but I hate to see you standing there all by […]

A bum approaches a well-dressed gentleman on the street. “Hey, Buddy, can you spare two dollars?” The well-dressed gentleman responds “You are not going to spend in on liquor are you?” “No, sir, I don’t drink” retorts the bum. “You are not going to throw it away in some crap game, are you?” asks the […]

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other: “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?” “Outstanding”, Fred replied. “They taught us all the latest psychological techniques – visualization, association – it has made a big difference for me”. “That’s great! What about the name […]

  A blond was complaining to his friend about being constantly called a dumb blond. His friend tells him “Go do something to prove them wrong! Why don’t you learn all the state capitals or something?” The blond thinks this is a great idea, and locks himself up for two weeks studying. The next party […]

It’s game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbour. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the […]

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, “No, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people […]

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The […]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” […]

  An older gentleman was playing a round of golf. Suddenly his ball sliced and landed in a shallow pond. As he was attempting to retrieve the ball he discovered a frog who, to his great surprise, started to speak! “Kiss me, and I will change into a beautiful princess, and I will be yours […]